Thursday, February 12, 2009

above all else.

so here lately, i have recently been totally captivated by books on love and marriage. as i mentioned in my previous post, i just start 2 new books. but lastnight at church, i felt compelled to go back to the class that i used to attend before i had jordan. of course i have had plenty opportunities since then to return, i just haven't for whatever reason. but on with the story-here lately i have been having anger issues. none of which are caused by my friends or family, but which are ignited by my workplace. throughout my work day, i guess bogged down by all the negativity that goes on. and i realize this will happen at just about any workplace, but i just can not take it right now. another thing is, i really want to be a stay at home mom now. i feel like i am missing so much when i am not there with him during the day. and though i am thankful my mom can take care of him (and nick's mom on fridays) it still hurts. but it is just not feasible right now for me to quit. hopefully one day that will be an option we will have though (praise Jesus) Also, 4 months is not long enough for your hormones to get back in order after having a baby and i have found that i jump to conclusions a lot and i blow up at the slightest thing and i kick myself for it everytime after i do that. but it's almost like i have no control, so maybe hormones play a role as well. unfortunately, the one that gets the majority of my anger is nick. and it is totally not fair to him at all. he does nothing to me to provoke it, i usually just blow up over the silliest things. so i have been struggling with this and praying about it. but like i said, i felt the need to attend the class lastnight and when it began, our teacher (will couchman) started the lesson with prayer (of course) and then began into the study. when i realized what we were studying, i was floored. almost like God took my hand and led me directly to that class. they are doing a study of the book of james in that class and if you know anything about the book of james, you know that it shows you how a Christian should act (after all the meaning of Christian is "Christ-like"). for those who don't know, james was thought to be the brother of Jesus. so as james is telling us how to act like Christ, he probably knows better than anyone if him being His brother is true. my cousin (who is very wise beyond her years) made a comment lastnight that hit really close to home with me. she was saying that if we can't get the book of james and how to act, then we can't "get" Jesus. meaning, if we don't do as Christ did, we basically aren't really accepting Him. it really struck a chord with me because i considered myself a pretty strong Christian, when really i was not strong at all. i let anger control me sometimes, which my sister fiancee compared to someone being drunk with alcohol. while you are drunk you usually do not have complete control over what you are doing. and just as a drunk is to alcohol, i am that to anger. i have let it control me and in turn the devil has parts of me. i say this to tell you all that i am praying and working on my problems. i do not want anger to rule my life. and i want you all to know that i really am not angry all the time, but my concern is that when i am, it is very intense. and after lastnight, i am worried that such anger could possibly jeopardize my soul. so please pray for me as i try to overcome my weakness. i am tired of hurting people i love, because i have no self control. and if one passage in james sticks out to me the most right now, it would be james 1:19-20: "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires." and as my words have cut people this verse hits me as well-james 3:7-12 "All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water."

i am pouring my heart out...please help me God.

galatians 5:19-21 "The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God."

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